to be trusting

I wanted to jump
and I thought you wanted me to
I thought you wanted the quick way down
the risk
the one with waterfalls and rapids
but this jump led to chaos
and I was drowning
and I couldn’t see you
and I couldn’t find my way back

I ran down as soon as you jumped
I heard you yelling
and I was yelling your name
I was yelling that I’m coming
and I ran to be near

I felt you grab me
I heard you
but I couldn’t see
you were holding me
but I couldn’t see

your head was bleeding
you needed to rest
and I held you
and I would hold you and wait

I would sleep but wake with fear
reminders of drowning
and shouting and reaching
I would reach around you
and plead for you to stay

you didn’t scold me
you didn’t force me to be calm
you ran your fingers through my hair
and led me back to sleep
and you stayed

when we started walking
I still couldn’t see
you led me, but I was frustrated
I would catch my foot
after you would tell me to step
I wouldn’t hear you
yet I would scold you
you asked me to listen
and still you stayed

I knew you were trying
I knew you wanted more
I knew you wanted to be strong
I knew you didn’t understand how to be weak
and behind that fury I saw pain
and I mourned with you

when the world became less dark
I could see blurs of shape and color
the light sometimes too bright
and I had to shut my eyes
I’d curse the pain
I’d curse the fog
I’d resist your hand
I said I was scared
and you didn’t scold me

I knew the pain was deep
I knew it wouldn't change immediately
I wanted to be patient so you could be patient
I wanted to be stable so you could be stable
and when you were angry
I knew it wasn’t me you hated

I wish I didn’t get so angry
I wish I never jumped
I wish I wasn't so bold
I wish I wasn't so blind with confidence
I wish I never risked it
I wish I didn’t know what it was like to be so weak

my heart broke knowing what you wished
my heart broke remembering how you jumped
and with a broken heart I will carry you
so I will lead you
so I will help you
so I will stay

I felt us cross over solid stone
you asked me to step up
everything was flat and smooth
I felt a breeze
a gust of wind
we were out in the open
we were surrounded by sky

I saw you had the slightest smile
I heard you give the slightest sigh
I told you there was a view
I told you about the cliff’s edge
we heard the hawk’s cry
I told you how he soared
I told you about the rolling hills and sprawling forests
I told you about the valley below
and the river that cut through it

I smiled at the memory
of places so similar
but this, it was a blur
it was light and colors
and I cried
I cried knowing how beautiful it must be
it was then that you kissed me
and I cried

I felt the ache
and I held you closer
I prayed you would see
see the hawk soar freely
and I prayed you would be free

at the cliff’s edge we sat
I leaned against your shoulder
at least I had you
and I knew you would stay