to be heartbroken

empty house, loveless rooms
the places I once called safe
can’t make the best of a bad situation
terrified of being alone

you discarded me because you refused to see
stubborn, pushing me around and calling it love
forced away, I lost everything

I’ve tried to find a replacement, no one compares
for a decade or more I’ve waited
attempts to recover, pretending it’s not over
unwilling to admit heartbreak
unwilling to confess I’m one of many, a prisoner to pain

these walls named shame, bitterness, regret, and grief
sometimes fighting with fury, banging and shouting
sometimes giving up, face down, eyes closed
wishing for the end or a fantasy

waking up: same floor, same room
retreating to shadows and sharp corners
still there
still here

I know the pattern, easy to recite
denial, anger, bargaining, depression
cycling through them all, the room a whirlpool
swimming, exhausted, gasping, pleading

acknowledging it’s over
there’s nothing left to recover
let the current take its claim
legs up, head back
floating

and yet, stillness.
how is there stillness?
the chaos ceasing, as if the void is full
how was I both the cause
and victim of this storm?

calm, clarity, a glassy surface
resting beneath a cloudless night
endless possibility rushes into my soul
if all is out there, I need not stay small
shouldn’t expect so little

I have loved and survived the loss
these stars reminders of every hope released
a broken heart made honest

I won’t hate you
but I can’t stay

moving on with faith
I don’t need to hear you say my name